Is Instagram Ruining Your Relationship?

you know that feeling when you're sitting across from your partner at dinner, and they're scrolling through instagram instead of looking at you?

or when you catch yourself comparing your regular tuesday night to someone else's highlight reel vacation?

you're not imagining it.

instagram actually is messing with your relationship, and the research backs this up.

a 2022 study found that the more partners use instagram, the less satisfied they are with their relationship. not a little less satisfied. significantly less satisfied, with more conflicts and negative outcomes.

medical news today reports the same thing: increased instagram time means decreased relationship happiness and more arguments.

but understanding why this happens is the first step to fixing it.

and no, the answer isn't deleting your account. it's about understanding the specific ways instagram undermines connection, and then being intentional about protecting what matters.

why everyone's relationship looks better on instagram (hint: it's not real)

here's what nobody tells you about instagram: it's designed to make you feel like you're missing out.

every photo you see has been:

▸ filtered▸ cropped▸ curated▸ edited 47 times▸ taken from 23 different angles

that couple laughing on the beach? they probably argued about where to put the towels five minutes before the photo.

that romantic dinner? scheduled three weeks in advance and cost half their rent.

but your brain doesn't process it that way.

the comparison trap is killing your happiness

you just see the highlight reel and compare it to your real life.

what happens:

▸ tuesday night takeout suddenly feels inadequate▸ netflix on the couch feels boring▸ your regular date nights feel insufficient▸ your partner feels less exciting

when you're scrolling past artisanal cocktails and spontaneous weekend getaways.

social media "presents an idealized version of how relationships should be, creating unrealistic expectations." these expectations don't just float around harmlessly. they actively damage your satisfaction with what you actually have.

instead of looking for what's missing, you might need to appreciate what you already have.

the real moments matter more than the staged ones.

how instagram likes trigger relationship jealousy

comparison doesn't stop at lifestyles. it extends to who your partner interacts with online.

you see them:

▸ like someone's photo▸ follow their ex▸ comment on a friend's post

and suddenly you're wondering what it means.

this isn't paranoia.

there's a direct link between social media use and relationship anxiety. the more time you spend on instagram, the more opportunities exist for jealousy to creep in.

every like becomes a question. every follow becomes a threat.

and once jealousy starts, it's hard to stop.

you find yourself:

▸ checking who they're following▸ monitoring their activity▸ comparing yourself to people in their feed▸ analyzing their likes for hidden meaning▸ scrolling through their followers looking for threats

this kind of digital surveillance doesn't build trust. it erodes it.

when your mind won't stop spinning, learning to stop overthinking becomes essential.

when your partner chooses instagram over you

ever heard of "phubbing"?

it's when your partner snubs you to look at their phone. phone + snubbing = phubbing.

and it's everywhere.

the brutal statistics about phone addiction in relationships

71% of people spend more time on their phone than with their romantic partner

54% of people would rather spend time on their phone than with their partner

51% of americans say their partner often or sometimes gets distracted by their phone during conversations

25% of couples admit phone use has led to arguments

66% of people won't even let their partner use their phone

think about that. most people would rather scroll instagram than talk to the person they love.

the device wins over the human being they're supposedly building a life with.

if this sounds familiar, you're not alone. phone addiction in relationships is one of the most common modern relationship challenges.

why it actually hurts when your partner scrolls instead of talking

when your partner chooses their screen over you, it sends a message:

what you hear:

▸ you're not interesting enough▸ you're not important enough▸ whatever's on instagram matters more than this moment with you▸ random strangers are more engaging than you are▸ i'd rather look at other people's lives than be present in ours

phubbing "reduces emotional connection, trust, and even leads to jealousy and lower satisfaction." you're sitting right there, physically present, but emotionally alone.

your partner's attention is on:

▸ strangers posting stories▸ influencers selling products▸ friends documenting brunch▸ celebrities they'll never meet

and here's the worst part: you probably do it too. we all do.

the scroll spiral (how one second becomes fifteen minutes)

you're mid-conversation and a notification pings.

what you tell yourself: "i'll just glance for a second"

what actually happens:

① you glance down② one notification becomes checking your dms③ which becomes scrolling your feed④ which becomes watching someone's story⑤ which becomes checking who viewed your story⑥ which becomes stalking someone's profile⑦ which becomes fifteen minutes gone

while your partner sits there feeling ignored.

this is the opposite of spending quality time together.

instead of connecting, you're both alone together.

when instagram becomes the third partner in your relationship

instagram introduces new trust challenges that didn't exist before.

now you can monitor your partner's every online move:

▸ who they follow▸ who follows them▸ who they like▸ who likes them back▸ who views their stories▸ who they message

psychotherapist daniel dashnaw calls instagram "the third partner" in relationships.

couples constantly check each other's activity, scanning for threats or signs of emotional distance.

he warns that this kind of surveillance "doesn't build trust, it erodes it."

the new battleground for insecurity

66% of people won't even let their partner use their phone.

about 40% have caught their partner snooping.

these aren't signs of healthy trust. they're signs that instagram has created a new battlefield for insecurity.

what this looks like:

▸ you're anxious when they're on instagram▸ you check their recent follows daily▸ you notice when they like someone's photo quickly▸ you analyze their comments for hidden flirting▸ you compare yourself to people in their feed▸ you know exactly who their top interactions are with

how instagram makes emotional affairs easier

the accessibility of instagram makes emotional affairs easier.

it's so simple to:

▸ message old flames▸ flirt in dms▸ comment on photos in ways that cross lines▸ reconnect with exes under the guise of "just being friendly"▸ build emotional intimacy with someone who's not your partner

you're not imagining the temptation exists. the platform is literally designed to connect you with people, including ones who might threaten your relationship.

even without actual infidelity, the possibility plants anxiety.

you know how easy it would be for them to reach out to an ex. they know how easy it would be for you.

that knowledge sits between you, creating doubt where there used to be security.

sometimes couples need to rekindle the relationship to overcome this drift.

how to tell if instagram is actually hurting your relationship

watch for these specific patterns:

① do you fight about instagram constantly?

if instagram triggers regular arguments, that's a clear sign.

common fights:

▸ who you follow▸ how much time you spend scrolling▸ why you didn't like their photo▸ why you liked someone else's photo▸ who you're messaging▸ why you're still following your ex

remember, one in four couples admit phone use has sparked fights.

② does your partner ignore you for their phone?

what this looks like:

▸ you're on a date but they're scrolling▸ you're trying to talk but they're checking notifications▸ you finish a story and realize they weren't listening▸ you have to repeat yourself because they were on their phone▸ you feel like you're competing with a screen for attention

51% of people say partner phone distraction bothers them.

if you're in this majority, your feelings are valid.

you deserve more than the bare minimum of distracted attention.

③ do you get jealous when your partner is on instagram?

you:

▸ get anxious when they open instagram▸ check who they followed recently▸ analyze their likes▸ compare yourself to people in their feed▸ feel threatened by attractive people they follow▸ wonder who they're messaging

more social media time correlates with higher relationship anxiety.

this isn't you being crazy. this is a predictable response to constant digital surveillance opportunities.

④ do you compare your relationship to instagram couples?

you regularly think:

▸ "why isn't our relationship like theirs?"▸ "we never do anything that instagram-worthy"▸ "they seem so much happier than us"▸ "why doesn't my partner post about me like that?"▸ "everyone else's relationship looks so exciting"

you feel inadequate about your regular life compared to others' highlight reels.

the comparison trap creates unrealistic expectations that slowly erode satisfaction.

⑤ has instagram replaced quality time in your relationship?

signs this is happening:

▸ your time together is constantly interrupted by notifications▸ you're scrolling instead of talking▸ you spend more time planning what to post than actually enjoying the moment▸ you can't remember the last time you had an hour of truly undistracted conversation▸ you're together physically but disconnected emotionally▸ date nights involve both of you on your phones

making time for real connection becomes impossible when screens dominate.

if multiple of these are true, instagram isn't just part of your life anymore. it's actively damaging your bond.

how to fix instagram problems without deleting your account

the solution isn't going off-grid. it's being intentional about when and how instagram fits into your relationship.

here's what research and relationship therapists actually recommend:

① set phone boundaries in your relationship (and actually stick to them)

set specific no-phone times and places.

non-negotiable phone-free zones:

▸ dinner is sacred (no phones at the table, period)▸ bedtime is phone-free (no scrolling in bed, especially not instead of talking)▸ date nights mean devices stay in bags or pockets (you went out to be together, so be together)▸ first 30 minutes after getting home (reconnect before disconnecting into your phone)▸ during important conversations (if one person says "we need to talk," phones go away)

we wrote about this in our quality time guide: have a no-tech night. turn off the tv, put phones away, focus solely on each other.

treat your partner like they matter.

you wouldn't scroll instagram during an important work meeting, right? so don't do it during dinner with the person you love.

② talk to your partner about instagram issues (without starting a fight)

if something on instagram makes you uncomfortable, say it. calmly. without accusations.

open, honest communication is the foundation of trust.

use "i" statements, not accusations:

✗ wrong way:

▸ "why are you still obsessed with your ex?"▸ "you're always on your phone, you don't care about me"▸ "stop liking other people's photos"

✓ better way:

▸ "i felt hurt when i saw you liking your ex's photos"▸ "i feel disconnected when we're both on our phones during dinner"▸ "i feel insecure when you follow a lot of models/attractive people"

most of the time, what feels like a betrayal to you didn't even register to them.

they weren't thinking about it. they just double-tapped while scrolling.

the goal isn't to police their activity. it's to share your feelings and agree on boundaries that make you both comfortable.

possible agreements:

▸ don't follow exes▸ tell each other before reconnecting with old flames▸ no liking thirst traps▸ be transparent about dms▸ no posting couple content without asking first

maybe you realize you're being unnecessarily insecure and just need reassurance. when rebuilding trust, clarity matters more than surveillance.

either way, talking about it is better than silently monitoring their every move and building resentment.

learning to communicate effectively can prevent small annoyances from becoming major conflicts.

③ limit instagram time without deleting the app

both iphone and android let you set daily app limits. use them.

practical limits:

▸ cap instagram at 30 minutes a day and see what happens▸ move the app off your home screen into a folder (so it's not an easy mindless tap)▸ delete it from your phone on weekends (you can still access via web if needed)▸ set it to grayscale mode (makes it less visually stimulating)

turn off notifications.

most instagram pings aren't urgent:

▸ someone liked your photo from three days ago▸ someone you barely know started a live▸ a brand you followed once is having a sale▸ someone viewed your story

none of this is worth interrupting a real conversation.

reclaim your attention. without constant pings demanding you check in, you free yourself to actually be present with your partner.

dealing with phone addiction starts with these simple technical boundaries.

④ plan quality time away from screens

you need to actively create positive in-person experiences that compete with the dopamine hit of scrolling.

what this looks like:

▸ schedule weekly date nights▸ take walks together without phones▸ cook a meal together▸ play board games▸ have actual conversations▸ make out without documenting it▸ do something spontaneous

quality time doesn't have to be complicated.

as we noted in our guide, sometimes it just means:

▸ putting down your phone▸ looking into your partner's eyes▸ asking "how are you, really?"

these simple moments build connection that instagram can't touch.

candles and dinner. walks in your neighborhood. sitting on the couch and actually talking instead of parallel scrolling.

prioritizing your relationship when life gets busy means making these small moments non-negotiable.

⑤ remember instagram relationships aren't real (and what actually matters)

when you catch yourself envying another couple's post, pause.

remind yourself:

▸ you're looking at a 0.01% highlight reel of their life▸ they're showing you the one perfect moment in an otherwise normal day▸ they're not showing you the argument about dishes▸ or the boring commute▸ or the anxious 3am worry session▸ or the fact that they took 47 photos to get that one "candid" shot

what really matters in a relationship has nothing to do with how it photographs.

focus on what you actually appreciate:

▸ the inside jokes▸ the comfortable silence▸ the way they remember how you take your coffee▸ the fact that they'll watch your favorite show even though they don't love it▸ how they know when you need space vs. when you need a hug▸ the way they make you laugh when you're stressed

these real moments matter infinitely more than someone else's staged photo.

gratitude beats comparison every time.

⑥ use apps to connect instead of scroll

not all screen time is created equal.

there's a difference between:

▸ mindlessly scrolling other people's lives ▸ actively connecting with your partner through technology

at candle, we built an app specifically to help couples stay connected when life gets busy.

instead of instagram pulling you apart, use tools that bring you together.

how candle helps you choose your partner over the scroll

we send you and your partner a daily prompt (could be a question, a mini-game, a photo challenge) that takes maybe five minutes total.

you each answer whenever works for you:

▸ see each other's response▸ keep a streak going▸ build a shared journal of your relationship

our thumb kiss feature is perfect for this.

it's a synchronized tap that triggers a gentle vibration on both phones.

sounds simple, but when you're 800 miles apart or just in different rooms, that little buzz saying "i'm thinking of you" hits different than a generic instagram dm.

long-distance couples especially love this instant connection.

features that keep you connected instead of distracted

① shared widgets

▸ canvas for doodles and notes▸ countdown for upcoming visits

your partner isn't just a name in your dms. they're literally on your phone's home screen where you see them dozens of times a day.

② date ideas feed

gives you a weekly-refreshing swipe-to-match list of local activities.

so when you finally have time together, you don't waste it scrolling instagram trying to figure out what to do.

③ daily prompts and games

▸ conversation starters▸ "who's more likely to" games▸ photo challenges (bereal style)▸ would you rather▸ debate topics

keeps you engaged with each other, not with strangers.

the point is simple

use your phone as a tool for closeness, not distraction.

set daily reminders to connect.

make checking in with your partner as habitual as checking instagram.

build rituals that create emotional momentum instead of drift.

whether you're just starting to date or have been together for years, intentional daily connection matters more than perfect instagram posts.

can instagram and healthy relationships coexist?

instagram isn't inherently evil. it's a tool.

but like any tool, it can be used well or poorly.

what happens when you let instagram run unchecked

it:

▸ amplifies insecurities▸ breaks focus▸ makes you feel less satisfied with real life▸ breeds anxiety and jealousy▸ replaces presence with surveillance▸ turns your relationship into a performance

the curated perfection you consume makes your ordinary life feel inadequate.

the constant availability makes you less present.

the surveillance possibilities breed anxiety.

but you have choices

intentional decisions about screen time change everything.

be mindful about when and how you use it:

▸ set boundaries▸ turn off notifications▸ create phone-free zones and times▸ talk openly about what bothers you▸ plan offline experiences that actually build connection

most importantly, remember what matters.

what actually builds a strong relationship

a strong relationship is built on:

▸ trust▸ presence▸ real connection▸ vulnerability▸ consistency▸ showing up

not:

▸ likes▸ followers▸ a perfectly curated feed▸ couple photos that get 1000 likes▸ aesthetic matching outfits

when you prioritize actual face-to-face time over the next post, instagram loses its power to damage things.

more instagram use leads to less relationship satisfaction. but that doesn't mean you have to delete your account. it means you have to be intentional.

the bottom line: choose your relationship over the scroll

choose:

▸ your partner over the scroll ▸ real moments over highlight reels ▸ presence over surveillance ▸ trust over anxiety ▸ connection over comparison ▸ being there over documenting being there

instagram is just an app. your relationship is your actual life.

make sure the app serves the life, not the other way around.

we can help you make connection a habit

if you need help making daily connection a habit instead of another thing you mean to do but forget, try candle.

five minutes a day:

▸ quick prompts▸ silly games▸ shared moments

it's how we help thousands of couples stay close even when life gets busy.

because at the end of the day:

what matters isn't how good your relationship looks on instagram.

it's how good it feels when you're living it.

and that feeling? it comes from showing up consistently, not posting consistently.

it comes from being present in the moment, not documenting every moment.

it comes from actually talking to your partner, not scrolling past their stories.

instagram will always be there. your partner might not be if you keep choosing the screen.

make the choice that matters.