What to Look For in a Relationship? (2025)

you know what's weird? you can talk to someone every single day and still feel completely alone.

you're texting constantly. you know their schedule. you discuss logistics (who's picking up dinner, when's that work thing, did someone remember to call mom). you're communicating, technically.

but you're not actually connecting.

or maybe you're in a long-distance relationship and you talk daily, text constantly, weekly facetime if schedules align. but somehow you still feel like you're drifting apart and you can't quite figure out why.

here's the thing nobody tells you: great relationships aren't built on chemistry and romantic gestures alone. they're built on deeper qualities that actually help both people thrive together.

choosing the right partner (or building the right qualities in your current relationship) is one of the most important decisions you'll make. it affects your mental health, your physical health, your career, your entire life trajectory.

so what does a genuinely healthy relationship actually look like? not the instagram version. the real kind, where you're building something that lasts even when it's hard.

① you can actually talk about real shit (not just logistics)

everyone says "communication is important" but what does that actually mean in practice?

it means you can say "that hurt my feelings" without walking on eggshells. it means your partner talks with you, not at you. when tough topics come up, you can discuss them without one person shutting down or the other getting defensive.

you feel heard and understood, not just tolerated.

what this actually looks like:

▸ you can voice worries without being dismissed"i'm feeling insecure about us lately"their response? "okay, let's talk about that" not "you're being crazy"

▸ when issues arise, you tackle them togethernot avoiding them for weeks hoping they'll magically disappear

▸ your partner communicates proactivelyyou're not left second-guessing what they really mean or playing detective with their mood

▸ nobody's hiding things to "keep the peace"(which always backfires eventually)

honesty builds trust. when you're both truthful about who you are and what you feel, you know you're loved for your actual self, not some polished version you're performing.

but here's what people miss: communication isn't just about the big talks. it's about staying connected through the mundane days when nothing dramatic is happening. meaningful conversations that go deeper than "how was your day" build intimacy over time.

red flag version:you can't bring up concerns without them getting defensive or accusing you of starting drama. difficult conversations get shut down or turned around on you. you're constantly second-guessing whether it's "safe" to be honest.

② you don't need to check their phone (because trust is just... there)

you shouldn't need to check their phone. you shouldn't wonder if they're secretly talking to someone else. you shouldn't be playing detective with their instagram likes.

trust isn't something you demand. it's something they earn through consistent behavior.

what trustworthy actually means:

▸ they keep their word consistentlyif they say they'll call at 8pm, they call at 8pm. if they commit to something, they follow through. not sometimes. consistently.

▸ they're honest even when it's uncomfortable"i ran into my ex today and we talked for a bit" > hiding it and you finding out later

▸ their words match their actionsthey say you're their priority? their schedule backs that up.

▸ you can be apart without dramaif one of you goes out with friends, the other doesn't spiral into paranoia or send 47 texts checking in

▸ they're where they say they'll beno mysterious disappearances. no vague explanations that don't add up.

the baseline: you feel safe being vulnerable with them, knowing they won't deliberately hurt or betray you.

loyalty matters too. a trustworthy partner stands by you and speaks well of you to others. they don't trash-talk you to their friends or throw you under the bus when things get hard.

you also need to feel safe with them. no fear of violence, unwanted pressure, or constant jealousy. emotional safety and physical safety aren't optional.

what breaks trust:lying (even "small" lies add up). hiding things. being unreliable. saying one thing and doing another. making you feel crazy for having concerns. invalidating your feelings.

③ they respect you even when they're pissed at you

respect is non-negotiable. like, actually non-negotiable.

look for someone who respects your opinions, your body, your time, your dreams. this includes respecting your boundaries.

every person has comfort zones and limits. a caring partner honors those limits rather than pushing or belittling them.

what respect looks like in practice:

▸ they value your opinions even when they disagreeyou can have different views without one person dismissing the other as stupid or naive

▸ they don't try to control your friendships, finances, or decisionsa major green flag? when someone encourages you to spend time with friends and pursue interests outside the relationship. that shows they're confident enough not to cling or control.

▸ you feel comfortable saying "no" and having it respected"i'm not comfortable with that" doesn't start a fight or guilt trip

▸ they don't make you feel smalleven when angry, they avoid name-calling or insults. you tackle the issue, not each other's character.

▸ they accept who you areinstead of trying to change your fundamental personality, they focus on understanding you

having good boundaries also lets both of you maintain independence within the relationship. you're two whole people, not two halves that complete each other.

disrespect looks like:belittling your feelings. dismissing your concerns. violating boundaries you've clearly stated. trying to control who you see or what you do. making you feel stupid for having different opinions. crossing physical boundaries without consent.

④ they're actually happy when good things happen to you

the best relationships feel like teamwork. two people who are each other's biggest fans.

does your partner genuinely celebrate your successes? when you get good news or achieve a goal, do they share the excitement or do they seem threatened?

when you're struggling, a loving partner is there with comfort, help, or just a listening ear. they believe in your dreams even when you have doubts. they actively cheer you on.

signs you're building something solid:

▸ they remember details about things that matter to youyour big presentation. your friend's drama. that thing you're nervous about.

▸ they offer encouragement when you're unsure"you've got this" when you're doubting yourself

▸ they're happy when you succeednot jealous. not dismissive. genuinely proud.

▸ you tackle problems as "us versus the issue"not me versus you

▸ when you have a bad day, they're ready to helpwhether that's listening, lightening your load, or just being present

▸ they're reliable when shit hits the fansick? stressed? in trouble? they show up.

working as a team means sharing responsibilities and facing challenges together. when life gets tough, healthy couples pull together instead of pointing fingers.

the opposite:they minimize your achievements. they seem annoyed when you're excited about something. when you're struggling, they make it about them. they compete with you instead of supporting you. your problems are "too much" for them.

⑤ they can actually handle emotions (theirs and yours)

being able to connect on an emotional level is what separates a great relationship from just... coexisting.

empathy is the ability to truly understand and share your partner's feelings. they tune into your moods, listen without rushing to judgment, and validate your feelings.

they don't always understand you perfectly (nobody can read minds), but they make a sincere effort to put themselves in your shoes.

emotional availability looks like:

✓ emotionally available:

• shares feelings and fears openly

• asks about your emotions

• admits mistakes and apologizes

• seeks comfort when struggling

• cries, laughs, expresses worry with you

✗ emotionally unavailable:

• always acts stoic or deflects

• changes subject when things get real

• gets defensive or blames others

• refuses to show any "weakness"

• maintains emotional distance constantly

you also want someone who's willing to show vulnerability. if a person always hides behind a stoic front or avoids discussing anything real, intimacy will stall.

how you'll know:

when you share something painful, do they lean in with care or dismiss your feelings? a caring partner listens and responds with compassion rather than calling you dramatic.

they remember what you told them and check in later. "hey, how did that thing go?" they're willing to be emotionally present even when it's uncomfortable.

the red flag version:they shut down when you try to talk about feelings. they call you "too sensitive" or "dramatic" when you express hurt. they refuse to discuss anything emotional. you feel like you're in a relationship with a wall.

⑥ you want the same things (or at least compatible things)

they say opposites attract, and sometimes that's true for personality or hobbies. but when it comes to core values and life goals, you need significant common ground.

shared values are the big-picture things that guide your life: views on family, honesty, ambition, finances, lifestyle.

you don't need to agree on everything. but alignment on the fundamentals makes it way easier to build a life together.

what actually matters:

▸ relationship valuesif you deeply value honesty and loyalty, someone who plays fast and loose with the truth will eventually hurt you

▸ lifestyle preferencesif you dream of traveling the world and your partner despises travel, conflicts will arise

▸ life goalsdo you both want the same things in 5 or 10 years? mismatched goals (like one person adamantly wanting kids and the other absolutely not) can become deal-breakers

▸ how you handle moneyone person's a saver, the other's a spender? that can work if you communicate. but if one person thinks the other is "irresponsible" and the other thinks their partner is "cheap," resentment builds.

▸ what you value in daily lifeif connection and quality time matter to you but your partner prioritizes work 24/7, you'll feel neglected

these conversations are especially important when transitioning from dating to a committed relationship.

questions to explore together:

• where do you see yourself in five years?• what matters most to you in life (family, career, adventure, stability)?• how do you handle money (saving vs spending)?• what role does honesty play for you?• do you want children someday?• what does a good life look like to you?

daily check-ins and conversations help ensure you stay aligned even as you both evolve.

pay attention to how your partner treats others in unguarded moments. their true values will shine through. if kindness matters to you, notice whether they treat service staff, strangers, and family with kindness consistently.

major misalignment:one wants kids, the other doesn't. one values honesty above all, the other lies casually. one wants adventure, the other wants stability and routine. one's religious, the other's not. these aren't small differences you can compromise on.

⑦ you're both whole people (not two halves completing each other)

a healthy relationship is two whole individuals, not two halves of one unit.

it's important that each partner maintains a sense of independence and personal identity. you give each other freedom to grow and be themselves, rather than clinging 24/7.

having independence means setting healthy boundaries and respecting that you won't share every interest or do everything together.

what healthy independence looks like:

▸ your partner doesn't get upset when you do things without them"i'm having dinner with my friends tonight" gets met with "cool, have fun!" not guilt trips

▸ they have goals and interests of their ownthey're not sitting around waiting for you to give their life meaning

▸ neither of you feels owned or smotheredyou can breathe. you can have your own thoughts, friends, hobbies.

▸ if you need space, they give it without drama"i need a weekend to myself" gets met with support, not accusations

▸ you see each other growing over timeand you celebrate that growth instead of feeling threatened by it

each of you should feel free to say "i need a night out with my friends" or "i want to pursue this personal goal" and get support rather than resistance.

you can be deeply connected and in love, and still give each other space to breathe. couples who last strike a balance between togetherness and individuality.

partners who encourage each other's personal growth often become closer as they evolve, because they're not stifling one another.

codependency red flags:they get upset when you do anything without them. they don't have their own friends or interests. you feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship. they make you feel responsible for their happiness. you've lost yourself trying to keep them happy.

⑧ you can fight without it turning into a war

even the happiest couples encounter conflict. research shows that about 69% of relationship differences are perpetual or unresolvable.

what matters is how you handle those differences.

look for a relationship where you can disagree without disrespect. healthy conflict resolution means you tackle the issue, not the person.

rules of engagement that actually work:

▸ no name-calling, threats, or bringing up every past wrong"you're such an asshole" ≠ productive conflict resolution

▸ both partners try to stay calm and listennot just waiting for your turn to yell louder

▸ you take responsibility for your part"i shouldn't have said that" goes a long way

▸ you work toward solutions that consider both sidesnot just trying to "win" the argument

▸ you can apologize sincerely"i'm sorry i hurt you" not "i'm sorry you're upset"

▸ you can forgive each otherholding grudges forever poisons everything

compromise is key. in a good relationship, both people sometimes bend to accommodate the other. pay attention to whether your partner can meet you in the middle.

if one person expects the other to do all the compromising, resentment will build fast.

green flag: compromises feel mutual. maybe you choose the movie tonight and they choose the restaurant tomorrow. neither of you is always the one conceding on everything.

signs of healthy conflict:

when you argue, even heatedly:

• there are lines you both won't cross (like personal insults or threats)• issues get resolved or at least agreed upon, not endlessly recycled• you can say things like "i see your point" or "i was wrong"• after conflicts, you reconnect and forgive• you don't hang onto bitterness for weeks

toxic conflict patterns:stonewalling (giving silent treatment). rage or yelling. bringing up past shit constantly. refusing to ever apologize. always needing to be "right." making it personal instead of focusing on the issue. threats to leave during every fight.

⑨ you actually want to spend time together (not out of obligation)

life gets busy. but great relationships make time to enjoy life together.

shared fun and quality time aren't just perks. they're essential. you can't build a strong bond without actually spending time together.

look for a partner who wants to spend time with you, not out of obligation, but because you genuinely enjoy each other's company.

what counts as quality time?

anything you both enjoy: going on dates, cooking together, exploring a new place, or having an unrushed conversation.

the key is that you're actively engaging with each other. (sitting on the couch scrolling silently on phones together doesn't quite count.)

playfulness and laughter are great signs. when you can be silly, share jokes, or have light-hearted moments, it brings you closer. a partner who can make even tough days a bit brighter is truly a gem.

also, don't underestimate the power of new experiences. couples who try new activities or break out of their routine occasionally often reignite feelings of excitement and teamwork.

the daily connection problem (and how to actually solve it)

you both want to connect more. but "finding time for quality connection" often means it never happens because you're both waiting for the perfect moment.

that's where daily micro-moments beat waiting for perfect timing.

five minutes of intentional check-in every day builds more connection than hours of passive coexisting weekly.

tools like candle make this actually work. you each get a daily prompt (could be a question, a mini-game, a photo challenge). answer whenever works for you, see your partner's response, keep your streak going.

takes 5 minutes max.

the prompts are designed to spark real conversation, not just yes/no answers. you're also building a private visual journal together with bereal-style photo prompts.

for long-distance couples especially, features like thumb kiss hit different. it's a synchronized tap thing that triggers gentle vibration on each phone. sounds simple, but when you're 800 miles apart, that little buzz reminding you someone's thinking of you right now actually matters.

you can keep each other on your home screen with canvas widgets (for doodles and notes) and countdown widgets (for upcoming visits). your partner literally stays visible.

the streak keeps you both showing up, like duolingo but for your relationship. plus streak restore if you miss a day, because life happens.

does candle solve deep relationship problems? no.

does it mean you're actually connecting daily instead of going weeks where you only talk about logistics? yes.

for long-distance relationships, research shows that quality of connection matters far more than quantity. the couples that thrive build rituals and fun ways to connect beyond basic check-ins.

signs you're prioritizing quality time:

→ you actually look forward to time together and often have fun→ you find yourselves laughing a lot→ mundane activities feel enjoyable just because you're doing them together→ your partner puts effort into planning or suggesting things to do as a couple→ if you're long-distance, you create shared experiences despite the miles

⑩ the physical connection works for both of you

while emotional closeness is key, physical intimacy matters for most couples.

physical affection (from hand-holding and hugging to kissing and sex) is a primary way many people give and receive love.

you should look for someone whose natural level of affection matches or complements yours. if you love snuggling and your partner stiffens up at any touch, that could be an issue (or vice versa).

neither person should feel forced or deprived.

what healthy physical intimacy looks like:

▸ you feel comfortable with the level of affectionnot constantly wanting more or less

▸ there's mutual consent and enthusiasmboth people are into it, not just going through the motions

▸ you can talk about what you both like or don't like"i like it when you..." or "that doesn't really work for me" aren't awkward conversations

▸ your partner pays attention to your responsesthey adjust based on how you're reacting, not just doing what they want

▸ physical closeness brings you joy and securitynot anxiety or discomfort

sexual compatibility is part of this equation if your relationship is sexual. aligning on things like libido, preferences, and expectations matters for relationship satisfaction.

intimacy isn't just about grand romantic gestures either. it's the small day-to-day touches that say "i love you": a morning kiss, a squeeze of your hand, a light back rub when you're stressed.

mismatched physical intimacy:one person constantly initiating and getting rejected. one person feeling pressured. different libidos causing resentment. one person's needs consistently ignored. inability to talk about sex without it being weird.

⑪ they're actually committed (not just "seeing where this goes" forever)

one of the clearest things to look for is commitment: a shared dedication to making the relationship work.

especially for long-term partnerships, both people need to be "all in," willing to weather storms together rather than cut and run at the first difficulty.

how commitment shows up:

✓ committed partner:

• talks about future plans with you

• works through problems together

• makes you a priority

• follows through consistently

• uses "we" naturally

✗ uncommitted partner:

• keeps future plans vague or solo

• threatens to leave during conflicts

• you always come last

• frequently flakes or disappears

• avoids "we" language

a committed partner talks about future plans involving you. makes you a priority. puts effort into solving relationship problems. they don't treat the relationship as disposable.

along with commitment comes reliability. simply put: can you count on this person?

when they say they'll do something, do they follow through? this could mean being there in big ways (like taking care of you after surgery) but also the little ways (like remembering to pick up the milk, or calling when they promised to).

signs of true commitment:

→ they use "we" when talking about the future→ when a problem arises, their reaction is to work it out together→ you feel like a stable team, not constantly anxious about abandonment→ if they say they'll show up at 7pm, they do→ they prove through both words and actions that you can depend on them

commitment issues look like:keeping one foot out the door. vague about the future. "let's just see where this goes" years into the relationship. threatens to leave during every conflict. you're not sure where you stand. they won't define the relationship or introduce you to important people in their life.

⑫ they're willing to grow (and help you grow too)

life never stays the same. both you and your partner will grow and change over the years.

having a growth mindset in a relationship is invaluable. this means both people are open to learning, adapting, and improving themselves and the partnership.

look for someone who sees challenges or personal shortcomings as things to work on, not as threats.

what growth-oriented looks like:

when faced with a problem:

▸ they show willingness to discuss and try different approaches▸ they exhibit curiosity and willingness to learn▸ they respond to feedback with "i'll work on that" rather than "this is just how i am"

when mistakes happen:

▸ they apologize and take steps to prevent repeating it▸ they see errors as opportunities to improve, not as character attacks

over time:

▸ they have goals for self-improvement and encourage yours▸ you get the sense that the relationship is a dynamic, living thing you're both nurturing▸ they're committed to becoming better versions of themselves

adaptability also matters during major life transitions: moving cities, career shifts, health issues, becoming parents. a couple that can navigate change as a team is more likely to thrive long-term.

additionally, valuing personal growth suggests your partner isn't threatened by your evolution. they encourage your self-improvement efforts because they want you to thrive, not because they want you to stay exactly as you are forever.

fixed mindset looks like:"this is just how i am, deal with it." defensive about any feedback. refuses to change anything. gets threatened by your growth. wants you to stay exactly the same. sees problems as permanent rather than solvable.

⑬ they show up in small ways (consistently)

grand romantic gestures are great. but what really matters is the small, consistent ways someone shows they care.

reliability through countless small moments builds trust and security.

what "showing up" actually means:

▸ they remember things you told them"how did that meeting go?" when you mentioned being nervous about it last week

▸ they notice when you're off"you seem quiet today, you okay?" when you're trying to hide that you're struggling

▸ they do small things without being askedmaking you coffee in the morning. taking care of the thing you hate doing. sending a meme that made them think of you.

▸ they follow through on the little stuffif they said they'd do something, they do it. no nagging required.

▸ they're there during the boring partsnot just the fun dates and exciting moments, but the mundane daily life stuff

▸ they check in when you're apartnot obsessively, but enough that you know they're thinking about you

the best relationships are built on these small, consistent actions that say "i see you, i value you, i'm here."

⑭ you can be yourself (your actual weird self)

one of the best feelings in a relationship is being able to be completely yourself without fear of judgment.

what this freedom looks like:

▸ you don't have to perform or pretendyou can be tired, messy, vulnerable, silly

▸ they know your weird quirks and like themor at least tolerate them without making you feel bad

▸ you feel accepted, not just toleratedthey're not constantly trying to change you into someone else

▸ you can share your thoughts without censoringeven the weird ones, the embarrassing ones, the unpopular opinions

▸ they've seen you at your worst and still love youbad mood, sick, stressed, unshowered, crying

when you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to keep someone happy, that's exhausting. the right person makes you feel safe being exactly who you are.

⑮ your gut says "yes" (most of the time)

intuition matters. your gut often knows things before your brain catches up.

if you're constantly anxious, walking on eggshells, or feeling like something's off, listen to that.

healthy relationships should feel mostly secure and comfortable. not perfect every day, but generally good.

what your gut might be telling you:

✓ good gut feelings:

• you feel safe and secure with them• you're excited to see them• you feel like yourself around them• you trust them naturally• you feel valued and appreciated• you're generally happy more than you're anxious

✗ bad gut feelings:

• you're constantly anxious or on edge• you feel like you're walking on eggshells• something feels "off" but you can't name it• you're making excuses for their behavior to others• you feel drained rather than energized• you're ignoring red flags because you want this to work

your instincts exist for a reason. if something feels wrong, it probably is. don't ignore persistent bad feelings just because you want the relationship to work.

red flags you absolutely cannot ignore

no relationship will be perfect every day, and that's okay. but be cautious of glaring red flags:

✗ chronic dishonestylying about small or big things regularly

✗ disrespectputting you down, especially in front of others

✗ controlling behaviortrying to dictate who you see, what you wear, what you do

✗ inability to handle conflictstonewalling, rage, refusing to ever apologize

✗ lack of trust or respectconstant jealousy, snooping, suspicion without cause

✗ emotional manipulationguilt trips, gaslighting, making you feel crazy

✗ isolation tacticstrying to separate you from friends and family

✗ any form of abusephysical, emotional, verbal, sexual

if you notice patterns of disrespect or persistent lack of core qualities we've discussed, take those concerns seriously. you deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and free to be yourself.

someone who constantly tries to control you isn't showing love. they're displaying unhealthy control that undermines respect and trust.

what makes a truly great relationship?

a truly great relationship is one where both people feel better off together than they would apart.

you feel supported yet free. loved and loving. heard and respected. you're able to navigate life's ups and downs as teammates.

when challenges come, you face them together. when joys come, you celebrate together.

knowing what to look for means knowing what healthy love looks like:

✓ honest communication that goes beyond logistics✓ trust and respect✓ kindness and support✓ shared effort✓ mutual growth✓ emotional availability✓ physical compatibility✓ genuine commitment✓ consistent small actions that show they care

when you find someone who shows these qualities and inspires them in you as well, you're on the path to a relationship that can go the distance.

keep your eyes open for these signs. don't settle for less than the respect, love, and happiness you deserve. and remember, whether you're navigating a dating transition or maintaining a long-term bond, small daily moments of connection can make all the difference.

the bottom line:

great relationships aren't perfect. they're built by two imperfect people who keep choosing each other, keep communicating, keep growing together.

you deserve someone who makes you feel loved, safe, and free to be yourself. someone who shows up consistently, not just during the fun parts. someone who's willing to work through the hard stuff instead of running.

and most importantly: someone who genuinely wants to build a life with you, not just pass time until something better comes along.

that's what to look for. anything less isn't worth settling for.